Torchwood Credit Cards
by HuckingHarkness
Summary: When you have an unlimited credit card, which is paid for you by the government/ the state, what on earth could persuade you not to use it? Read on & find out! Jack knows just the thing *wink* lol


Okay, people.

So I thought the world was a little sad at the moment- what with the credit crunch an' all, so this is my attempt at cheering every one up. Credit Card style! Let me know if it works, because I don't consider myself an overly funny person, but I did find these amusing…

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**Torchwood Credit Cards**

The first credit card Owen received from Torchwood was so embarrassing he didn't ever bother using it when he went out; he soon realized this was the intention. He would have thrown it out as junk mail if he hadn't known it was arriving under an alias. He'd still almost thrown it out when he saw it. On the all black card, printed clearly in gold embossed letters, with the Torchwood logo in the corner was the name 'Drew Peacock'. There was noway Owen would us _that_ name in a pub, while trying to pull women! After that came the card Mr E. Knott-Cumming. Owen just swore before placing the card in his incinerator bin.

Suzie couldn't have cared less what her credit card read- if she'd bothered she might have teased Jack with it… "Onya Case", really it was just childish games in her opinion. The next cards were late in arriving, Suzie's arrived first and it read "Needa Lay", she'd shown it to Owen, leading the way out of the hub for the night; he'd followed, hurrying to catch up. From then on, all she needed to do to signal Owen was place the card on his desk, although he didn't always find it amongst his mess of stuff.

Owen had been getting low on medical supplies, when his card finally arrived, just before his first card expired, he understood the irony: the name on this card read "Justin Thyme". Owen sighed heavily and as usual promptly 'misplaced it' this time in the bottom of his wallet- Jack had asked to borrow the last one once and he'd had to explain what he'd done with it. _That_ had been awkward to explain to the boss. He'd get Teaboy to order the stock items he needed when he brought round the morning coffee. Bet _he_ never got stupid names on his credit cards…

Ianto Jones had simply smirked, and rolled his eyes when he'd received his first Torchwood credit card- it was addressed to "Terry Dactil" and he'd fortunately realised this before signing for the package. Considering the circumstances under which he'd been hired, he thought the card strangely appropriate; he still wasn't going to use it in public unless he had no other option though. What would people think? He certainly did not want to be viewed as an obsessive dinosaur enthusiast, even if he did look after one as a pet…

Ianto's second card arrived by hand-mail, from Jack himself, who gave it to him with a naughty smirk, standing far too close behind him as he opened it: _Ben Dover._ If he hadn't been working for Torchwood long, he might have had a problem with this, but he knew Jack was enjoying himself. He also knew that Toshiko would be able to stop the name from appearing on-screen whenever he paid for something, so he'd just have to keep people from looking at the card itself. He stepped surreptitiously closer to the older man, before turning to murmur in Jacks ear: "I know who you're about to become: Jack N Knauff;" and with that Ianto swiftly made his exit. Jack growled in frustration before heading back up to his office, alone.

When Gwen received her first credit card, the play on words went completely over her head, until Andy had pointed it out to her, over mid morning tea. They'd just been having a pleasant catch-up session, when she'd offered to pay, taking out the card and leaving it on the table. His sharp eyes had skimmed the card, noticed the alias, and then re-read it before commenting "Well, at least someone has a sense of humour." Gwen hadn't a clue what he was talking about until he spelt out the name on the card: "Lona Hankie? You know loan-a-hankie...?" Gwen, once she'd realised had blushed, swiftly removing the card from the table and replacing it with her own.

The next card was much worse: Jenna Talwarts. There was no way Gwen could use that!_ Who made this stuff?_ She placed it in the alien shredder, after having it buried on her desk for just three weeks. Gwen thought she could at least manage with the next card if she had to; this one read Mrs Anita Cock, unfortunate perhaps, but a plausible name nonetheless. Perhaps they got better…

Tosh found no need to use her Torchwood Credit Card, but Polly Esther, the first names in her alias did make her smile slightly. The next card, Tess Tickle made her giggle and Ianto, who had been walking past, raised a questioning eyebrow. She showed his the card and his eye role made her blush prettily, before ducking her head back to the computer.

The next Torchwood card was to be found on Ianto's desk, along with Jack's Military Greatcoat. This one had "Justin Case" printed across it in the usual gold lettering on black. The attached note said this was to be used _'Just in case of emergencies- and for all SUV Expenses from now on.' _Ianto couldn't fault the reasoning, the upholstery had taken a thorough beating the night before. Ianto's next card arrived on his desk the morning after he'd spent an amazing night with Jack: _Filyor Rhea_ was placed right next to a note signed _Phil McKrack? _It was Jack's handwriting and Ianto was stirring at the connotations of that alone.

The next 'name' was on the edge of Jack's desk; a business card reading 'Neil Down'_. Was this how Jack pulled? _Ianto wasn't sure, but it was working very nicely on him! Jack entered his office to find Ianto on the floor waiting for him and grinned widely.

_Finis_

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This is Rated 'M' at the moment, but if I can get away with 'T' please will someone let me know in a review or something? Personally I think it would be fine, but I wanna check first! Thanx

**Lol** I hope you've been at least mildly entertained. These were just a few names. If there's anyone else who would like to have a go, with embarrassing/ amusing/ dodgy names, let me know and I'd be happy to send the rest of the list I have…  
We could make a series! So, if you want a go, & especially if you have another idea, (as opposed to just credit cards and er, calling cards) let me know; & it doesn't have to be affiliated or linked to anything I do, just I'd love to get a credit… not overly bothered tho-

See Ya peeps ; )

6 February 2009

1254 words


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